Mountains out of molehills

As is customary with any other previous company I’ve ever worked for, this current job never ceases to find new ways to irritate me and contradict my sense of ethics. After all, that’s the nature of the corporate world: it’s made of FAIL... convoluted pathways crisscrossing wildly across innumerable levels, stairwells and obnoxiously slow elevators of FAIL.

The corporate world is a world of backstabbing, finger-pointing and blame-transferring. It’s a disgusting cess-pool of hypocrisy, me-first, not-in-my-backyard, gotta-look-good that I can’t in any shape or form dissociate from its sister world of politics. Some people think these two universes are far apart, but honestly, I see no difference here. This machine feeds on bullshit. That machine feeds on bullshit. They were born and raised from the same mother: Greed.

Fail... Fail... FAIL, motherfuckers.

Idiotic clients are nothing new. We deal with those all the time. In a single week, we have to put up with a great deal or irate small-fry fools. We get union representatives trying to get their word out about how they’re pissed off against something or any other hypocritical shit-talking, we get pushy born-again-christians with silly regressive agendas to push, no money to do it and no idea of what the newswire is, we get penniless individuals-with-a-cause who complain about wire distribution prices when we inform them, and hell, we even get douchebag record producers with zero business etiquette, bad phone manners and a horrible sense of nitpicking over useless shit (I’m looking at you, Mr Mysterio, you shameful, shameful grease stain on the music industry’s apron, you) to name a few.

Those are just examples of what we can get. And hell, we’re not even the Sales Department, so imagine the kind of retards and fuck-ups that go knocking on their door.

One of my co-workers got into serious trouble recently because of a client. She’s one of the really efficient ones with an incredibly clean record. Compared to her, I’m the king of screwup-topia. Yet one slight little mistake from her snowballed and came back to bite us all in the ass, not that it should have, and not that it’s entirely her fault. I’ll explain:

To put things into perspective, my employer is a wire company that receives news releases from clients, which formats them in an ugly 10pt Courrier New font (which incidentally does not allow for bold italics and underlined text… any formatting at all, in fact) and then redistributes them to various specialized networks worldwide so the news media can read’em’n’weep and/or ignore them (which I could never fault them for doing, because this shit induces massive snore-dom). In other words, we will ruin your well-prepared, well-presented Word documents... for a price.

One of our big things is quarterly financial earnings distribution (news directly from the Kingdom of Boredom) which gets sent to a bunch of analysts who actually know what to do with the data. We have some clients that almost only use our services for financial distributions. Some can be high-profile but most can be high-maintenance.

We do boring-ass work, because we can’t even profess to remotely enjoy the contents of the documents we send. It’s very technical, though (lots of distribution details to keep track of, all of which are absolutely necessary) and we have to be very alert not to let anything past our scrutiny. But we’re also human. We like to cut corners because our favourite shortcuts make us efficient in our work and they give us a better turnaround time, which everybody loves to boast about (we have a really fast turnaround, thanks for asking). But some of these “non-regulation” techniques can manifest as an increased possibility of making mistakes. I guess that’s how it goes when you’re not 100% by-the-book. (and by-the-book usually means wasting time and effort on things that could be done faster and with less effort... fuck...)

Client X send us his boring overly-long financial document. My colleague formats it. She makes a small copy-paste mistake in a column header that mixes up the years 2009 and 2010. It’s a tiny thing so it goes completely unnoticed as we proof-read the bore-fest, unnoticed again as the client proof-reads the approval copy he receives and again as we do a final check-up before distribution. At this point Client X doesn’t know a thing. We don’t know a thing. If we did, we could fix it in a jiffy and no one would care, especially not the media who receive it. This sort of thing can happen and we have procedures in place designed to help smooth it over while distributing the correct information. We do have safety nets, you know. That’s why we’re #1 in the country.

They approve the copy. We distribute. Time passes.

Turns out some analyst somewhere cared hard enough to notice, thought it made the data confusing, decided to make a fuss and gave a call to Client X. Client goes in a panic and calls us, BUT…

Instead of behaving like a normal person and calling the actual Montréal team that worked on his press release and who can easily fix the mistake... he acts like a chimpanzee on crack cocaine and calls our CEO…

What the fuck?

Our CEO?

Our distant, uncaring shrew of a leader, whose job description consists of something along the lines of "look good, stall all development on the software tools that bring the bread and butter, smile for the cameras, rake in the prestige cash and cut more jobs as we drive this skeleton-staffed operation into bankruptcy."?

That CEO?? Mrs "Embrace Change"?

Listen buddy... She’s hundreds of miles away from where the actual work was done, is totally in the dark as to the specifics of our job (I’ll bet my ass she’s never even looked at any of the software we use) and has zero knowledge of the daily technical challenges her casually-dressed workforce can face in the office. Opening Excel must feel like hardcore hacking to her... How can she be equipped to handle that kind of case? Short answer: she cannot.

When something goes wrong with your news release, you contact us directly. You know, the people that sent it out and know how this stuff works? If it was a big fuckup, we escalate to our team leads, if it was a big-ger fuckup, they escalate to sales and regional management for some quick damage control, but it rarely gets there. We usually fix things rapidly enough before any foreseeable damage can even occur.

But instead of doing things the right way, Client X pulls a total Wilson and does everything backasswards. He goes to complain to our head-honcho, who shits down on a few heads until it trickles down to us. By that time, the thing has gained so much momentum it’s completely bewildering…

And thus begins the witchhunt.

So now we’re in "crisis management mode", our team leads are taken away from the news centre, having to sit through meetings instead of being with us. We get warnings against screwing-up in case it happens, because you know, this shit must be contagious, oh man oh man… Everybody’s in a riot over sweet fucking nothing and the working atmosphere (required to actually, you know... not make more mistakes due to unwanted stress?) is completely shattered. It’s an open-heart surgery without anesthetic.

My colleague gets the actual "you fucked up" talk from her own team-lead. Then the same spiel from the superior right above… and then she gets an email going through the same points over again in case she forgot... Motherfucker! I can empathize because I’ve been there myself (remember I’m already Mr King Screwup here.)

And then we hear that our main competitor is really putting some pressure on Client X to negociate their new wire distribution contract with them instead. Fucking hell…

So the bottom line is: What could have easily been fixed and kept hush-hush got blown out of proportion by a panicked middle-management-type who got mad with power… classless, inconsiderate motherfucker that he is. Hey big-shot! Want to actually feel important? Start acting with some composed professionalism for a change.

Talk about mishandling information… How serious was the mistake. Not very, all things considered. A little date confusion never killed anyone. That’s right: Did anyone die? No? No one died? Ohhhh... Okay, well then I guess you’re just a total asshole then.

Mountains out of molehills, I swear…

. . .

Which brings me back to an observation I once made about humanity.

When one member of a group screws up, we have a bad habit of responding by:

* First, isolating that person and totally preventing him/her from redeeming his/herself

* Second, making everybody else in the group pay for the individual’s mistake, just so they can hate him/her better

Somehow it’s the accepted standard….
But where is the logic in that? No one is treated fairly and everybody ends up frustrated.